escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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