I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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