did you get engaged???
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
