I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
