Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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