I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
