I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
