Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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