My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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