I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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