i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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