Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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