Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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