I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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