did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
