Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
