you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
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someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
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I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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