stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
