hell yes lets make some ravioli
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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