I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
