Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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