I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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