I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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