Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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