The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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