even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
