Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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