i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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