there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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