Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
