K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
