I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
