Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
