A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So much Jack, so little girl.
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