I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
