My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
