I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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