i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
