Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
