She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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