the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
