On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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