She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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