I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
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