some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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