i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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