Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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