There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
