Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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