I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
