I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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