I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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