My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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